i slept like a baby last night. much needed. but you know what the crazy thing is? i had a dream within a dream. again. and the funny thing is, my friend juan and i were talking about inception and dreams within dreams before i got home last night and i experienced a full-blown one.
i dont know if i had been dreaming for the full thirteen hours i slept, but the dream was so intricate that i remember bits and pieces of it so clearly. it might be the fact that i smoked a lot yesterday for my birthday, but i just remember waking up and not even realizing that any of it was a dream. it was a maze in which i found myself weaving in and out of. it was so lifelike. not even one of those weird dreams where people and places don’t correlate or make any sense with one another. this dream was probably one of the most lifelike dreams i’ve had. and i was scared shitless the whole time.
i woke up this morning on the end of my bed and i hadnt even fallen asleep there in the first place. i have no idea how i got there and i dont remember leaving my sister’s room last night. and no, no i wasn’t drunk or superhigh at that point i was just really tired. but still. i wish i could have recorded my dream to look at it just once and try to make some sense of it. i feel like its a recurring dream with different different people and scenarios that are saying the same exact thing. i really want to understand what they’re trying to tell me.
alright… so i was wrong. i had a wonderful birthday. i spent it with the people i love, and also the people i normally wouldn’t have spent it with. but regardless, it was wonderful. it was a sweet and simple birthday. im so glad i got to see some people today after such a long time. i truly enjoyed it. and now, im going to go downstairs, lie on my mommy’s lap and go to sleep on her while she strokes my hair.
i really like when people surprise you by turning out to be humble and trustworthy when that’s the least you would expect of them. i appreciate it. it makes my having faith in everyone seem a little more sensible and possible.
you’re a sweet girl. i was wrong about you. im glad that i was.
happy birthday to me. i picked this song on a complete whim. at first i was thinking that i should pick my favorite song of all time. but then i realized, i dont have one. i go through musical phases and my mood also affects it. its 4:48 am and im half asleep. and not really looking forward to today. i just have a lot of shit on my mind i guess. the people i want to see so badly are so far away from me. and its sad to think that even on my birthday i dont get to spend the day with them.
i just wanna go for a really long walk in a place ive never been before and have a bonfire. i need some nature. i just want some peace and quiet.
im going to wake up tomorrow at 7 am, wear something relatively nice, pop either 3 or 4 ibuprofen to numb myself from the migraine im going to have due to lack of sleep. go to class, then im scheduled to get fucked up with 3 different groups of people, come back home, eat birthday dinner with my family and cut the cake. then we all smile and laugh and cheer and talk about how im growing up into this “beautiful young woman.” and then we’ll wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen. and then my birthday will be over.
how sadly mundane. its just going to be another day with wishes from people who don’t have a care about me. just automatic responses with smiles attached for the purpose of fulfilling polite concern.
i dont want to turn 19. i don’t care about my birthday.
sometimes i listen to john mayer and the kooks and i totally miss you. its so weird how music can bring back a rush of memories so quickly. im sitting here at my newly made table in my newly constructed room in my redecorated and refurbished house. but the only place i wanna be right now is on my old couch with you talking about everything but our homework. and the broken lamp that shined the chillest light. do you remember those nights? there wasn’t a single paper we didnt suffer through together. it seems like so long ago but it wasn’t. you became the brother that i never had. and now its like there’s this invisible wall between us when we stand next to one another. how could we go from being so completely comfortable around eachother to total strangers in the matter of a few months? i have no idea if you even miss me sometimes or even noticed that shit between us is so awkward now.
To players, we're hot. To perverts, we're sexy. To adults, we're cute. To relatives, we're adorable. To dumbasses, we're fine. To each other, we're pretty. To gentlemen, we're goregeous. To the right guys, we're beautiful. But to ourselves, we ugly as fuck.
“We look for the convenience in people.
People always hang onto memories, but not people that gave them those memories. It’s strange.
We tell ourselves we are friends of this person and that person just because we knew him or her in 1st grade.
But the truth is, we consider them a friend because of that one nice conversation we had years back.
my best friends are Nick, Melissa, and Amanda. The 3 people I would not be able to live without.
And are you still as close as you were before, or closer now?
i have been friends with Amanda the longest. i met her in 7th grade when she moved from Elizabeth into little old Sayreville, and i noticed her in my gym class. i immediately just started talking to her about random shit. because that’s what i do. we were such misfits. and here we are 7 years later and we’re still just like sisters. we wrote to eachother in notebooks all throughout high school. she knows the most about me, and vice versa. we’ve had so many adventures haha. near death experiences for one. even though im 19, every time i get in the car, i still feel like im 14 again. we blast Fall Out Boy every single time and use words we only say to one another. next comes Nick, who is seriously my other half. i met him sophomore year of high school and guess what? he HATED ME. LOL. he thought i was such a bitch. and i was a bitch actually which is the funny part. but then we hung out a lot junior year and even more senior year. a month after we graduated high school, we were best fucking friends. i mean we couldnt go a night without calling eachother. he and i have the same humor it’s almost scary. i will leave everything i know to move in with him someday. i drunk dial him every time. and you know what the best part is? he always picks up. i love him more than words can say. and lastly, Melissa. i met her last year in school. i can’t even begin to describe our friendship. never have i been able to be as open as fucking possible with anyone else in my life. she is the most beautiful person on this planet. i am not exaggerating one bit. the shit that we’ve been through together. good lord. when she decided to leave school, my heart broke. i had stopped talking to other people at one point. by the time december came by, melissa and i were attached by the hip. we lived on my floor in blankets. we talked for days on end. we skipped class like it went out of style. she was my favorite person to smoke with and my favorite person to get wasted with. i didnt need anyone else ever. she is the one person that i can be completely myself with. i love her.
closeness? i am closer to Nick out of the 3 at this point. we just keep getting closer. the thing with Amanda and I, nothing ever changes. and i really appreciate that about our friendship. we are the two best friends that don’t need to see one another every single day or call/text to keep in touch. those things are irrelevant to our friendship. we live our lives as they are and make time to see eachother at the most random times. it’s a natural friendship in that way. a unique, yet still strong one. and then with Melissa, if you know her, you would understand exactly what im about to say. we are close as fuck. its ridiculous how close we are. even though she isnt in school and is traveling so i only get to talk to her on the phone every now and then, we still finish eachothers sentences.
it’s my little sister’s birthday! shes 15 years old. god damn she’s growing up. i really wanted to post weezy’s ice cream paint job as my audio file but in honor of pooja’s bday, i posted the supergenius herself; Ms. Alison Goldfrapp. she’s the one artist that my sister and i both love to DEATH. we nicknamed her our very own “personal drug” because she really just is that amazing. not even exaggerating, all of her music is perfection. check out Supernature and Black Cherry for some serious goldfrapp love.
“I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.”—
im not waiting around. hell nah. i deserve better. i refuse to stay in this gray area any longer than i already have. why the hell did i even let myself get emotional over this shit? not worth it for even a second.
its not even that im angry or frustrated really because i should have expected this. i should have squashed that little ray of hope just like i squashed that bigass fly last night. haha fuck this shit man. if im not worth your time, you’re not worth mine.
i’ll be okay. i’ve always been okay. i’ve gotten better at it because i can sense when someone’s genuine and when somebody isn’t. we’re friends. let’s just keep it at that.
i’ll keep that comfortable distance just for you. you won’t even have to know about this stupid little thing i had for you for a while.
have fun with all the hoes you meet. maybe you’ll find one that isn’t just good for sucking your dick. maybe she’ll make you feel something.
in the meantime, i’m getting off my ass and meeting other people. but hey man, listen, i’m always there to talk. i’ll always be available to listen to your girl problems and whatnot. it’s just gonna help me get over you even more.