one word that describes my life at the moment. i try not to let it get that way, let alone keep it that way. i’m pretty much over the “life is sucky” phase, so when this happens, everything truly does become unsatisfying and grueling.
the thing is, so much is changing. and i don’t respond well to change. for some reason, changes irk me. it’s not that i like to feel as though i have control over the things in my life. it’s that i’m simply afraid of it. i’m afraid of losing that comfort, the familiarity of the little things that make up my world. and i don’t like to talk about myself and my life too often. it’s just that i need to get some things off my chest. so i think of this as a sort of therapeutic exercise.
maybe if i write it all out, maybe if i form them into words, my troubles will all appear before me and i’ll have a better sense of knowing how to destroy them; to fill in the small crevices of disappointment and unseen failures. maybe i’ll see with more clarity. maybe ill wake up tomorrow and realize that i do have control. that i haven’t lost it.
so what the hell is wrong?
too much is wrong. my attitude is wrong. my habits are wrong. my desires are wrong. my shortcomings are wrong. it’s wrong that i’m breaking under pressure and realizing that i have been more than clueless about so many things. it’s wrong that i’m slowly waking up for the very first time.
the truth is, i’m fucking scared. beyond terrified of losing complete control. of being hurled around in this unknown thing called life because i was unprepared for what it had to offer me. i’m so afraid that i’m walking a path i was never meant for. i’m afraid that i’ve wasted so much time screaming just to prove myself when i should cherish the fact that i’m here and i’m a part of them.
truth be told, lately i’ve been a lousy daughter and a lousy friend. it breaks my heart. i’m sorry i ever let it get to this point. i’m becoming someone i never wanted to be. i’m shattering under all the stress and the failure. even after i vowed that i was better and stronger than that. i’m being so temperamental that i forget to breathe and think rationally.
it comes with change. disappointment and loss of control. time is the only remedy.
i think that they’re overrated. and they take up so much of my time. which is frustrating. i shouldnt be centralizing most of thoughts towards them. there’s so much more to ponder and set the mind to, so why is this a recurring problem? maybe im just boy crazy for now. or having the single blues.
its just that i want to think about other things, more “meaningful” things, but i just give in anyway. i feel as though i’m becoming the girl i swore i’d never be. dependent. fuck that.
for a while i’ve been thinking about my past, especially high school. and it struck me that i don’t remember much of it. how can a person not remember a place that demanded so much time from their lives? how is it possible for all of it to remain a blur? i mean it’s only been a little over a year since i graduated, but i feel as though i’m not even remotely close to who i used to be.
and sadly enough, i don’t even miss it. i don’t think that there’s one thing i miss from high school. the only thing i haven’t been able to do since i graduated, is express myself in writing. i think that the only thing that kept me sane throughout those four years were the notebooks i had with two people. just when i thought i was losing it, the pen would became my savior. words would become my medicine. and that’s all i ever cherished. the ability to save myself and to save others through words. to understand the power and significance of them. and i let myself dig deeper into my mind and pull out the things i rendered in my soul. and regardless of how alone and disconnected i felt, i pulled myself up and out of the ground where my demons reigned.
high school was never about the clothes i wore, or the people i talked to. it wasn’t about how i decided to turn around and make my own way when nothing appealed. it was about my growth as a writer and the fact that it made me an individual. it gave me light.
so i was right. i don’t miss it. i miss what i used to cherish.
“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t how hard you hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done. Now, if you know what you’re worth, then go out and get what you’re worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you. You’re better than that.”—Rocky Balboa