Girls aren’t going to talk to you first. It’s a girl thing. We don’t like starting the conversation because we like to feel like you want to talk to us. We like to feel like the wait was worth something. We like feeling like you’ve waited for us like we’ve waited for you. But the number one reason we hate talking first is because we hate to seem needy or clingy. That’s why we’re scared. Cause to us, being needy and obsessive just pushes guys away. And no girl wants that.
i had such a terrible day. everything about it was just plain shit. i lost the job i really wanted because of fucking njtransit fucking my life up as usual. im still in shock about this. i luckily got this job and i really liked it. now im back to being fucking broke as hell again. i was beyond humiliated when they told me to just get out. it wasn’t even so much about the money i was concerned about. i just want to work in a decent job already and it’s such a shame because i know i would have done a great job. and now the damn Rutgers site is fucking shit up and won’t let me get on to blackboard, webmail, or NCS to get my shit done. where can i possibly even look to find a job as good as the one i landed?
when i actually do. a lot in fact. you are one of my best friends and we’re drifting apart not because i made it so… but because you distanced yourself from me. from me, and from everyone else. frankly, you aren’t the same person anymore. i want you to open up to me. just understand that sheltering yourself and letting everything get to you is killing you slowly. you’ve become hateful and you continuously come up with reasons and excuses to justify it. you think that i dont care? you really think i dont give a damn about how broken you’ve become? when you speak i can hear how forced your voice is. your laugh isn’t even real. i feel like you don’t even genuinely want me there. i feel as though you want me to pity you as much as you try to pity yourself. and i can’t take it. you’re probably going to read this.
that’s the point. youll read this. but you wont talk about it with me. you wont be straightup about it. youll say that its your own battle to fight and that ill never understand. that im young and stupid and careless without a clue of how hurt and tired you are.
guess what. try me. and for once… dont let your opinion and your ego get in the way. you can keep thinking i dont give a fuck. truth is i give more of a fuck than anyone else. i love and respect you to the point that i think of you as the older sister i never had. i care about you so much. but lately you’ve been acting like i mean nothing to you. like ive disappointed you in some way by not distancing myself from the world like you have. you’re always so angry and bitter. i don’t know what the hell i could possibly say or do to make you happy. or even smile again. you want to feel this way all your life? you want to walk away and say that i never was a true friend?
let me tell you this. i give SO much more of a fuck than anyone you know. i dont know if you ever knew this. you probably dont even care at this point.
i want my best friend back. wherever the hell she is. im sick of the fake smiles. the fake laughter. the meaningless conversations. i havent seen you in a while. i miss you everyday.
“Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends. You gain friends. You realize your friend wasn’t ever really your friend. And that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love. You lose love. You realize that all along you’ve been loved. You laugh. You cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do this. You do that. You really wish you hadn’t done that. You learn from that and are glad that you did. You have your ups. You have your downs. You see good movies. You see bad movies. You look at others and wish you were them. You then realize who they are and are glad that you’re you. You love life. You hate life. In the end, you just find yourself to be living life no matter what’s thrown at you.”—
pouring my heart out to someone i least expected. im not going to say who it was. just a person i didn’t think would ever reveal themselves to me. but he did. honestly im grateful for it. this was the first real conversation we’ve ever had. and i know it took a lot for him to just say the things that were on his mind. i hope that things get better for him. i hope things start to turn around.
it was the kind of conversation two people have simply because they are human. a conversation i will probably never forget. there was so much truth to it.